Lovefool

Today is the day, today is the day I'll tell her how much I love her

I say this to myself as I muster up the courage to look at her in the eyes and let my words spill out finally, I've waited so long that I am weary by now, weary from the heartbreaking moments of watching another have many more chances with you then I ever could, simply wishing I was closer , closer to you so you can see just how much you mean to me
My smile is bright as I type out the words beforehand like an elaborate novel, I want to double check, triple check and reread through everything, I want to see my confession through her dazzling blue eyes.
those eyes, that pull me in until I am sinking. I wonder what shes thinking
I finally leave her a message, something cute to brighten up her day, maybe she'll get the hint and I won't even need to confess
I imagined that thought so many times, I ran the idea that you might love me too through my mind. what it would be like if she confessed first, maybe she loves me too but she's too shy to admit it. I hope she thinks of me more then only a friend, I want her to love me, Love me like I'm her first love and her last. Like I'm the only one on her mind..the girl she always wanted to find in those fantasy stories of hers, I want to be the person she never knew she needed and the one she'd never let go of
As I wrap up my love letter in red and velvet and feel my heart go crazy in my chest, beating around like a caged bird as I come closer and closer
My tone is friendly and my eyes light up at the chance to see her again today, my palms are sweaty from the nerves, I take in deep breaths and try to relax, today is like any other day I tell myself.

"Hello" she says, a single word again and it doesn't feel like any other day, maybe today isn't a good time, maybe shes busy or tired, yes that's it, shes tired because of work and she might not be in a good mood, definitely not in the mood for a confession, I should wait until shes happier, wait until the perfect moment, I can wait again, I can wait another day. I can be more prepared next time

Today is the day I've waited, the day I've waited yet again
Tomorrow will be the better day.

Dragonfly

Zipping past a rainbow blur of flowers,

its prismatic wings reflect the surroundings.

Four wings so clear, barely there,

drift along the airs aroma.

 

It fluttered to my radio,

still it was for a moment.

Just long enough to evoke pangs of envy,

before it lifted away.

 

The pressures of time

slip past its wings.

Higher it rose in the sky,

knowing nothing of expectations,

nothing of responsibilities.

It knows only to fly

from land over lakes, it goes

effortlessly.

 

No cares, no concerns.

But it is in search of something

a place to rest,

a peaceful solitude

airy content of freedom. 

Why You Can't Comment on My Hair

I love your hair in braids

Is something I hear a lot

And I know you guys think you're paying me a compliment

But you're really not

Especially when I think my own natural kinks rock

In a world that's told me

And people that look like me

That my twist outs, wash outs, and braid outs

Ain't professional to thee

When I choose to get my hair braided

It's not to enhance or improve my look

It's to allow my mane to rest

When them winter months got us shook

I think y'all praise braids

Or anything that closely resembles the shit you whip in my face

Like now we can relate

But no

No we cannot, see?

You gonna have to praise me natural

With my hair wild and carefree

As you do when I wear a weave

And if you're biased between long braids and my short little naps

Then your compliments to me are just scrap

They honestly don't mean jack shit

It took a long time for me to realize that I'm a bad bitch

And I still have my days when I think I ain't shit

But your inky dinky compliments and suggestions

Will never take me to that place

All because you can't relate

To the way that I was made

Paper or Plastic?

Paper or Plastic?

I scan Diet Coke, Dole orange juice, and Ocean Spray cranberry juice, each barcode causing another beep.  They all fit in one bag.  Chicken nuggets, Lunchables, and Chips Ahoy cookies fit in another. She must have children. Next, I ring up ten cans of cat food.  I guess she has cats.     

Read More

A Nap

Balmy light leaks from cracks--

the sun is still young.

Cacophony of a jet engine

tears through air shaking walls

from 10,000 feet above

while undisturbed dust sleeps

in tiny trenches on my eyelids.

The world makes its slow,

heaving effort to turn within 24 hours--

even the planet itself

must be on time.

While it moves, I dream

of cities in ruin, trembling

from unchecked power.

Men with red egos

bigger than the nations they rule  

shout into microphones, deceit

and poison tainting their saliva.

People cower

in their homes, unsure

of what is coming.

Let fear erupt in our hearts,

thrash into blue veins,

and fuel our cries.

Let our nerves become the speech

that stirs a thousand hearts.   

Draw courage, like venom,

from the enflamed bite

until it coats the skin like sweat.

Our passion becomes an ocean swell

raging over quaking plates.

Take all the fear, anger, and sadness  

and fill every molecule

so that it keeps us wide awake

with no need to escape

in mid-day sleep. 

How's your dating life?

How's your dating life?

That's why women plaster pics of their body on the gram
With these unnatural waists, tits, hips, and ass
Women that didn't need all this extra tightening and plumping
Until People magazine and them made us feel like nothing compared to the Kardashians, Rihanna, Yonce and all the rest
That need all the money and beauty professionals in the world to look their best
But we often forget

Read More

The Angel in My Heart

"Hold still Angel, keep me close into your heart
and remember me in your mind, the memories should be kind.
I can be your moon
And calm your sea.
You're everything, my entire galaxy.
The stars above shine so bright, they guide me to you in the darkness of the night
Honesty would be the only words that spill from my lips.
Hands on your hips, as I pull you closer into my embrace
Fingertips around your waist,
As we dance in candle light.
I promise to love you, morning to morning and night to night
I'd walk across the sky for you, I'd live a thousand lives for you
I'll give you my love, forever and always"

Dear Black Women

Dear Black Women,

We are sorry,

Sorry for allowing you to be raped with hate, anger and fear with a white man in your ear asking you why I'm here and not there

It wasn't fair, 

We are sorry for the long nights we made you work after you were raped to take the crumbs off the white man's plate to nourish our bodies only for us to spit in your face

We didn't respect you

Sorry for allowing our pride to console our emotions and our rage to put us in convulsions and construct abuse with the misuse of our words going heard not only by you but by our sons and daughters to birthing the next generation of dysfunctional segregation 

We were blind

Blinded by the blood in my eyes, from the whips to my backside I got when I stepped out of line trying to protect you.

Protect you from the psychological abuse the white man used to separate us, brainwashing you to believe that you were me and needed to be the head of our family . . . But you're not a man you see. 

We're so ashamed 

That I've stood by and watched as the clock ticked tocked and 400 years later we are still being degraded and our great grandchildren are no longer debating but formulating rap songs, and our grand daughters are shaking their ass in thongs trying to find the richest white man to get on. 

We're appalled 

We did see this coming

But while I was being beat I did get to sneak a peak at who was whipping me . . . and it was you. See you were inflicting the abuse with the use of your tongue which influenced our young and lead us to the destruction of many generations to come. 

It was and still is their plan

To use your actions to blind me with anger and destroy what's around me which is my home, my friends and my family. Causing me to seem like the ape or over aggressive thing causing the depopulation of our lives you see. Leading to the visual perception of our sons and daughters to act stone cold hearted which leads to fatherless daughters and sons without mothers because they can't love one another. 
We didn't know what to do

So I let you beat me

Afraid that if I fought back I'd push you farther away. And watch that disgusting smirk grow on that white man's face because he knows that he won either way. No check needed he HAS my mate possessing you in every way. 

Dangling you In front of my face, while I sit and stare and wish away knowing that the future won't change in the better way.

So when he set me free . . . I put the shackles back on not because I was ignorant . . . But because without me in the picture in some shape or form our hope would be gone. 

We are sorry. 

About Trust Issues

I’m not sure when it started. It had to be immediately after my mom transferred me to a predominantly Caucasian school and submerged me into a sea of slim noses, straight long hair, and fair skin tones. Perhaps it was when the middle school boys referred to the bags under my eyes as suitcases. Or maybe it was when my first middle school boyfriend agreed to date me only because my friends pressured him into our short-lived relationship.  I cannot recall the date when my eyes aimed for the ground as a means to avoid seeing everyone’s twisted facial expressions as they examined my wide nose, unmanageable tresses, and bumpy skin. I don’t know when I ditched all of the cool clothes my mom purchased for me for baggy sweatpants and oversized sweatshirts that hid my misshapen figure. I have always been the funny girl but I am not sure when my jokes became a means to distract my companions from gawking at a face that tormented me every time I looked in the mirror. Eventually, I started avoiding mirrors. What frustrates me more than not knowing when my self confidence dropped to an all time low, is not knowing when it will get better.

With the emergence of movements like natural hair and #blackgirlmagic, there has been a positive shift in the black community where black men and women are starting to embrace our exaggerated features and one another. For a short time, that shift had an impact on me. I chopped off all of my relaxed hair, ripped the tags off of unworn clothes, and raised my head just a tad bit higher than usual. I presumed that my new look and confidence boost would provide me with an active dating life as I have never been in a serious relationship or even approached by a guy. The guys only came around when I told a joke. My jokes continued to protect me from being the actual joke. When the laughs subsided I found myself resenting my male counterparts for not extending our relationship past a comedy routine prepared and performed by yours truly.

Every day is different. Every hour is different. Sometimes when I first wake up and stare at myself with drool stains around my mouth and untamed hair I am actually quite pleased with my appearance. When I return to the mirror an hour or so later after a hot shower I frown at what I see looking back at me. It is as if I am seeing things clearly. The bags under my eyes are more profound. My nose is much bigger than before. My skin is uneven. Over the years, I’ve learned that I can’t rely on my mirrors to show me a beautiful girl. I only refer to them to make sure I look presentable for the day. I spend the rest of the day looking at the ground.